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dog versus cat

Excerpts from a dog’s diary

6:00am – At last! I Go Pee! … My favorite thing!
8:00 am – Dog food! … My favorite thing!
9:30 am – A car ride! … My favorite thing!
9:40 am – A walk in the park! … My favorite thing!
10:30am – Got rubbed and petted! … My favorite thing!
12:00pm – Lunch! … My favorite thing!
1:00 pm – Played in the yard! … My favorite thing!
3:00 pm – Wagged my tail! … My favorite thing!
5:00 pm – Milk bones! … My favorite thing!
6:00 pm – They’re home! … My favorite thing!
7:00 pm – Got to play ball! … My favorite thing!
8:00 pm – Wow! Watched TV with the people! … My favorite thing!
11:00 pm – Sleeping on the bed! … My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a CAT‘s Diary

Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.

I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a “good little hunter” I am. Idiots! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of “allergies.” I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow — but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released – and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.

For now…

(author unknown)

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